This quiz was expertly formulated during a recent business trip to Las Vegas*. It definitely measures something. I’m just not quite sure what.
- Take no more than 5 minutes. For your convenience, all clocks have been removed from the vicinity and all windows have been blacked out.
- You may use your notes, provided they are written on cocktail napkins.
- You must hit on 16.
- Rat Pack references are grounds for dismissal.
- Don’t lie to me. I’ll know if you lie.
Part 1: Please answer True or False.
- (T/F) Every sign that’s ever been made would look better if it were made with neon lights.
- (T/F) Making fun of people who are losing money while gambling is an effective way to curb the urge to gamble.
- (T/F) I think that lady might be a dude.
- (T/F) You can totally walk to Paris from Treasure Island. Look, you can see it from here. It’ll take like, two minutes.
- (T/F) Old women handing out fliers for prostitutes are somehow creepier than prostitution itself.
Part 2: Which of the following is most depressing:
- A) Vegas Nightclubs
B) Vegas Dayclubs
- A) A man with a sign that says “Kick me in the nuts: $20″
B) Seeing three men with similar signs in 24 hours; realizing that wouldn’t be the case if no one ever took them up on that offer.
- A) Buffets.
B) Buffets of buffets.
- A) Loud, colorful slot machines that try to distract gamblers while taking their money
B) The simplicity of the machines in the “high rollers” area, which make no such pretense
- A) Realizing that the fountains at Bellagio are the only really beautiful thing for miles.
B) Thinking about the cost of moving that much water through a desert.
- A) Young cocktail waitresses spending their youth being groped on casino floors.
B) Old cocktail waitresses who can’t keep this up much longer.
- A) Celine Dion, Donny and Marie Osmund and a guy who vaguely looks like Michael Jackson circa 1993 all have infinite job security.
B) You do not.
- A) Judging an entire city based on what amounts to its nightlife district.
B) Being unable think of any other notable aspect of the city you could investigate instead.
- A) Walking around the strip at 2 in the morning, wondering where humanity gets the balls to construct something like this.
B) Hearing someone say, “This place is soooo much better than Reno. Now that’s a shithole.”**
- A) Anything about Las Vegas. Anything at all.
B) The fact that I still really want to go back to Las Vegas.
Make the case that Venice, Italy, is somehow a more worthwhile travel destination than the Venetian Casino in Las Vegas. Remember to take into account plumbing, signage and odor.
Do themed casinos like Excalibur and novelty attractions like the New York, New York Roller Coaster take the assertion that Las Vegas is an amusement park for adults too literally? Format your answer as a one act play. The use of puppets is optional***.
“What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas,” would seem to conform with Newton’s Laws of Motion. But empirical evidence suggests that little-to-none of what happens in Vegas stays there. Is Vegas magic? Show your work.
Can you appreciate something ironically, if it’s intended to be appreciated ironically? Discuss with examples from your own life.
*Yeah, yeah, the trip was like a week and a half ago. I’ve been busy.
**Or is it a shit-hole? Hyphenation is, as ever, my weakness.
*** The other option, as always, is “If you want to be one of those terribly disappointing people who does the bare minimum to get by on quizes AND IN LIFE, then go right ahead and skip the puppets. You’re a bum. You’ll always be a bum to me.”